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Is there any way to save this relationship after such an accusation?
I was repeatedly sexually abused as a child by three different abusers. On one occasion, when I was 7 years old, I awoke one morning to find feces and blood in my underwear. Being a child, I assumed I had just soiled myself and I was ashamed, so I hid the underwear. Later on, I told my stepmother what I had seen and she took me to see my gynecologist. He informed me that I had been abused. 14 years later, with a child of my own, I returned home last night after leaving my daughter with my boyfriend to find feces and blood in her diaper and that she screamed when I wiped her. This has happened before, but something triggered that memory this time, and I was stricken with fear for my daughter. Just the irrational, faceless fear. But I know what kind of person my boyfriend is. I wasn’t accusing him. I just asked him to tell me what had happened to her so that I could fight my fear with facts. I was looking for reassurance. He now feels that I believe him to be abusive, that he can never be alone with my daughter again and our relationship is ruined.
Where can I go from here?
Is there any way to make him see that I was experiencing an instance of association with my experience, like a flashback of some sort, and that it was not an actual mistrust of his character? Is there any way to save this relationship?
This man means everything to my daughter and I. He is the only father she has ever known, and I would never forgive myself for coming between the two of them. He has been there when nobody else has, and I fear that I have thrown that away. I will try any suggestion, take any measure to prevent this family of ours from being torn apart.
Thank you for your thoughtful and prompt reply.
Daughter has been examined for this before and it stems from a problem with chronic constipation, I believe.
When I discovered this in her diaper, I asked if he knew why there would be blood in her diaper (what makes this even worse is that I told him this had happened before from constipation) and why she screamed when I wiped her. He asked where she was bleeding from, and I said, rather irritably down there. I tried wiping her again and then said again I’m just trying to figure out why MY daughter (again, language I shouldn’t have used) is screaming when I try to wipe her.
This is when he realized what must have crossed my mind, and got very upset.
I actually didnt say it was in her diaper, to begin with, I just said …why she would be bleeding…
Originally posted 2009-04-02 06:55:10.
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This is my first time hearing that feces and blood comes from sex, so you taught me something.
Just tell him, you didn’t know that feces and blood came from, whatever you plan on telling him.
Tell him you thought that could only happen during abuse, and not during uhh, the flu, or like I said … whatever causes it to happen naturally, and I have no idea how blood would leak from a girl from either hole naturally.
You don’t say whether or not a doctor examined your daughter.The blood and fecal matter could be a medical problem, not an abuse problem, on the other hand, if she was abused, then you have to take action, for the child’s sake. Your personal relationship can be saved only if you know the facts, and can get rid of your personal fears. If there if a wrong here, then you don’t have a valid relationship.You should not overlook personal harm in the family just to keep a boyfriend, but you also can’t punish him if he is innocent.
I think you should take your daughter to the doctor to find out what caused the faeces and blood so you can deal with facts.
Something doesn’t sound right.
Did you take your daughter back to the doctor to find out why there was blood in her diaper?
Did your boyfriend know that you were abused as a child or is this the first time he’s heard about it?
If he knew, then he should understand why you got so upset. If he’s angry with you for that, then I’m sorry, but it makes me a little suspicious–especially with the blood in the diaper.
Please take your daughter to the doctor. Your statement that the blood comes from constipation doesn’t sound convincing–as if you don’t know for sure. Please get a straight answer from the doctor so that you can relax about it.
You must know that people who are abused in childhood tend to re-create the experience over and over by choosing people who have the tendency to abuse. Please get a doctor’s advice before you leave your daughter alone with him again. If he can’t understand that, then you need to find someone who is more understanding of your past.
Peace
Ok, so she’s been checked out, good. While an accusation like that can wreak havoc, I hope he can understand that from your experience of abuse the most logical thought for you was that SOMEone abused your daughter. When you asked him, how did you word it? Was it something harmless like, Here’s what I saw. When I was abused that happened to me leaving it open-ended to where someone else might be suspected? Or did you actually ask him if he did it? You two need to talk this out. Work on regaining his trust. Spend family time together bonding: game night, dinner, outings, etc.). For your daughter’s sake, increase her fiber intake–whole grains, flaxseed, bran, fresh fruits (including pulp and skins), stewed fruits like prunes, root veggies like carrots, and fresh or raw veggies like cabbage. You can also sneak Fibersure or Benefiber into tomato sauce, cereal, drinks–anywhere it’ll disappear.